Light.

Light

Some people alter the paths we are on, others stop us in our tracks, and others still become part of us, continuing on with us, their world becoming part of ours.  I've met each of these types in the last 6 months and it's the last kind, the Light, that I have to share with you. 

My path was altered a short while ago by allowing myself to be blinded with a foolish and naive sense of awe.  I swallowed wooing words of flattery in a time of self-induced loneliness which foolishly made it easy to internalize the switch from woo to critical, loathsome words of deceit and destruction when the universe quickly changed directions for me .  Then I met someone who rebuilt my shattered self with loud and carefree displays that reminded me to simply live for the joy of living.  I considered stopping there, it felt good there, my fragility disappeared and I looked forward to possibilities of this comfort.  But I continued on.  Because I allowed myself to stop, I was able to continue on and because I continued on, I met someone who showed me Light. 

While I continue to deny connection to any godly being, I pray to none, believe in no one, and worship nothing, we arrived at the ashram, only we two at the same moment and I know that there was a reason for it.  Some meetings happen by chance, many by coincidence or even by accident, but this one for whatever reason, was placed as it was meant to be.  Although I had no idea and would have denied it if someone had told me so, I needed this meeting, I needed this Light.  I still don't believe in gods but I do believe in … something.

I looked and saw eager life shining through inquisitive eyes.  I heard words spoken, questions asked, and thoughts formed that seemed older than a short lifetime.  I was near love that is so simple, so unbiased, so universal that it transcends all physical limits; age, gender, country, language, or distance.  I felt peace just by being in someone's presence.  This is my Light.

Connections develop quickly but often superficially when you are confined to mind bending, body bending regiments 24 hours a day with very strictly monitored moments to socialize.  Some unions are fast yet fleeting once outside the guarded gates, others are the beginning of a lifetime of new possibilities.  Our blessed one day a week "free day" allowed for connections to develop into something more should the spark be there.  The first free day filled my heart by finding a soul sister, the second found me Light. 

We had exchanged daily greetings, had several brief chats, and had become accustomed to seeing each other around, noticing when one or the other was missing.  We had arrived, lost and confused, together, after all.  An ashram road trip to the cape of India was an opportunity to begin a series of conversations that wouldn't end for many, many days.  It started as so many travelers' talks start; where have you been, where are you going, what's your plan?  The pleasantries lasted a few minutes but soon the questions became personal, challenging, innocently confrontational without a hint of hostility.  They were genuine, soul prodding questions about my life, my heart, and the sometimes lonely journey of a girl traveling solo at this late stage of the game.  Perhaps the same questions that many people have wanted to ask but felt were off limits.  The earnest and honest approach of truly wanting to know about how I felt made nothing off limits and while I initially stumbled at the openness of the inquiries, something made me comfortable enough to just talk, walls slightly down, heart starting to open.  Why am I telling this complete stranger these things?  Why does this complete stranger even want to know?  Then, I simply stopped questioning myself and it began.  It was a long day of life and Light.  A long, liberating day. 

At the end of my two weeks, I left the ashram and my Light behind for a few days of frolicking at the beach but was firm in the belief that our paths would cross again.  And they did.  Light was waiting when I at last set out on my own towards my first real city in India.  6 days followed wherein we travelled a bit, laughed a lot, talked until we couldn't stay awake, and saw the world from the midst of giant eucalyptus trees.  We found our way to a small "farm", a collection of simple huts scratched into the side of forested cliffs miles and miles from the nearest town.  We walked until our legs ached, got lost until the stars lit the way, and were just we two despite the nearby chaos always available. 

I loved to listen and as I listened, I learned, not altogether surprised by the depth and the ideas on the inside of an outside that so many others may have dismissed.  Stories of unconditional love, of childhood, of the future, of wonder, of strengths and doubts, of curiosities and certainties, of wishes and beliefs, all free from judgments and filled with hope.  While I couldn't relate to the life-giving love of country or religion, I questioned it and envied it; I wanted to know what it felt like and what it meant.  I listened to a wide open soul searching for itself, wanting to know who it is, what it means, and how to become complete despite already having found so much. I felt peace in Light's presence, in the questions and the answers and the unknown because for Light, love is the life force behind all of it. 

Not the hippie dippie hold hands and chant mantras with flowers in your hair kind of love but the love that ties us to one another, that allows us to wake up and hum off tune in the morning, that lets us laugh instead of cry when we miss that last bus, that draws people close because they feel good when they're near, that makes us want to be close to others because it's how we're meant to be.  Finding our way to those that live life instead of those that simply get  through it, seeing reasons to laugh instead of finding reasons to complain, letting go of what hurts us and holding on to what heals us.  All of the questions and all of the answers came back to love and how simple it can be when you can put cynical aside.   

Of course being asked many questions makes me question myself and this is what I will take with me on my journey.  Chilly mountain days & wood fire warmed nights with a wise old soul, a kind, gentle heart, and a presence full of life.  It was easy to stay, to get lost in the peacefulness of Light despite the odd glances from others as they attempted to complicate the simplicity of the two of us together.  Oh how we are compelled to put a label on something.  What do we do when there is no label? 

During our conversations, I got glimpses, clear ones, of what I want for my life, out of this life, in my life.  Because of this, I felt ready to move on.  How is it possible that after LEAVING the ashram, I found something to believe in?   While Light thanks me for being a teacher I bow my head humbly.  A brilliant, beautiful mind with a deep, peace-filled soul has set me off to explore India with my eyes and hopefully my heart wide open.  Thank you, dearest Light, for your love of life.