You know you're in Egypt when...

1. Horns. Constant. Everywhere. Bicycles, motorbikes, local hop-on rides, small cars, big cars, trucks, buses. High pitched blares to reverberating and echoing beep beeps to laying on one long single haaaawwwwwnk to modified horns that sound like police sirens or the beginnings of songs. All simultaneous, all trying to outdo one another, all several decibels louder than what the average human ear can tolerate. I’m right beside/behind/in front of you honks, I want your attention honks, I don’t like what you’re doing honks, olease go ahead honks, thank you/you're welcome honks, I’m bigger than you honks, I’m not slowing down so you better move honks, I like the way my horn sounds honks, I forget how to drive so I’m just gonna lay on the horn honks, I like the song on the radio honks, I don’t feel like stopping for the red light so I’m just going to go honks, and I’m awake so everyone else should be too honks.

2. Heavy, HEAVY smokers. Driving in a car, 3 men and me, all windows rolled up tight, all 3 chain smoking. On trains and buses and boats, in shops and offices and hotels, absolutely everywhere, constant lighting up. And the GOOD kind of smokes, Marlboro Reds, Camels, you know, the ones that make you cough up a lung. Nothing that a good smoke can’t take care of.

3. City wildlife. It’s not uncommon to see small herds of goats wandering around city streets and rummaging through trash bins alongside the stray cats and dogs or donkeys pulling wagons weaving in and out of traffic. They’ve all got their place here.

4. Pita for everything. All meals, all the time. By the bags and boxes and arms full. Pita. Pita. Pita.

5. January 25. All of the new shops are named “January 25” or some variation of that. The Revolution has been good for business apparently.

6. It’s mandatory, taught in all Egyptian schools: “What’s your name?” “What’s your country?” You must ask every foreigner this, no matter what. Then shout, “Come here!”

7. Tea is served in small water glasses and water is served in coffee/tea mugs.

8. It’s better to throw trash on the ground beside the bin instead of in the bin.

9. Side view mirrors on cars are meant to be hit by passing motorists. That’s why they’re there.

10. Mosque calls are timed so that there is a slight delay between the beginnings allowing one to continue as another one finishes thus drawing a 3 minute call out to 30 minutes by the time the rounds have been made. Doing them simultaneously would just be silly.

11. A normal, friendly conversation between men consists of yelling, shouting, shoving, laughing loudly, hand slapping, spitting, more yelling, exaggerated hand gesturing, and even more yelling. Good friends, good friends.

12. The condition the vehicle is in is directly related to how fast it should be driven. The worse the condition, the faster you must drive.

13. Men in dresses.

14. Women draped head to toe in black. Really? In a hot climate? Wow.

15. Baksheesh. Felucca. Carry (carriage). Just look, no hassle, just look, NO HASSLE! I don’t know what you’re looking for but I have it! Special for you!

16. Watering the sidewalk, streets, and roads with a bucket and a very unique wrist flick.

17. Fig jam. (yum!)

18. Olive coloured complexions with those blue/grey eyes. Gorgeous.

19. Seed spitting. Crunch. Chew. Spit. Crunch. Chew. Spit. Sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds, and some other stuff I don’t quite know.

20. Single pack Twinkies and Ho-Hos lining every small shop shelf.