So much for me keeping up to date with the blog thing. Sadly internet availability has been reduced even further and finding a good chunk of time to sit down and get my thoughts together has been hard to do. I can’t really say why, it’s not like I’m in the midst of a hustling bustling life style here, but there’s always something that seems to prevent me from just sitting and writing.
Having just surpassed the three month mark, I’ve been doing a bit of comparing between this experience and my SE Asia tour. Obviously completely different experiences. The devastating, character building culture shock that brought me to tears on a regular basis as I struggled to find my footing Thai style has not been the case this time. To be honest, there hasn’t been much culture shock at all as I live, eat, and breathe western style resort. Okay, okay, the litany of new creepy crawlies and the stifling, suffocating heat have taken some getting used to, but that’s not culture, that’s country. As decision questioning as those first couple of months were in Thailand, I was in a new place, seeing and doing new things, and feeling very much alive as every single sense was being assaulted every single day. I got what I came for. Three months here and I have been robbed via home invasion, witnessed and experienced work / home bullying like nothing I’ve ever seen before, seen British colonized Africa in all its horrid glory, met some of the most socially unstable individuals wandering the far corners of the globe (and for good reason… when you’re a complete social misfit, isolation really is the only place for you!), and I have come to believe that my presence here is more or less irrelevant. Three months, here, on the plot, same couple of faces telling the same self-indulgent stories to random new guests who stop by for a few nights here and there. Can you see where I’m going with this? Can you read my head space? I’m pretty sure I need out.
I could bore you for ages with the messy details of horrid conversations, nasty behaviours, shockingly ridiculous methods to some kind of African hotel madness where only they know best, but all that will do is infuriate me further. Ever y single employee who has left this place has been spoken about as being totally and utterly useless. Every single one, no matter what, is a waste of life. After all these years, do you really think the SAME problems lie with the numerous people that have come and gone? At some point, don’t you think you’d start to take a look at it a little differently? Just a little? Nope. Too arrogant. They were all useless assholes, I will be a useless asshole when I leave, and everyone who comes afterwards will hear all about it. Accepted it and ready to move on. This asshole has had the same brutally ridiculous experiences that all who have come before me have had, and I too, want out before the mental ward gates close me in completely. I will be weak, dishonourable, shameful, and pathetic if I choose to bow out before my loosely agreed upon six months but hopefully my soul will still be somewhat intact. Quite simply, this place is thoroughly f**ked up.
So what’s next? I am officially open to suggestions. My gorgeous travelling soul mate Deb who has just finished India and is now back in our SE Asian heaven is encouraging me to come back to the land that captured my heart. We can hang out, find work, do nothing, whatever. My responsible side is on panic overload as I am constantly shushing that voice in the back of my head telling me that I am unemployed and this is unacceptable. So I could what? Find another teaching job… there are millions out there but this experience has pretty much cooled any interest I’ve ever had in teaching. Sad really because I loved my Thai kids and the fun I had teaching them. So maybe another teaching job in Thailand? Kinda feels like a step backwards. A teaching job somewhere else? Not sure. I don’t think I’m meant to be a teacher. I could head back home to Canada, as mom & dad always think I should do because life is better when family is home, but I know I’d just leave again so that seems like a waste of time and money. I could look into hospitality jobs, as has been suggested by various people here, but I’m not sure I’d stay in Africa so again, I need to sort out where I want to go. Or, and this is the big “OR…..” I could accept Brendan’s offer to follow him south to Mozambique, find work in a down there for a few months, and then continue on travelling and discovering and adventuring.
Oooooo… snuck that one in, didn’t I?! Not so much. Okay, here’s the general scoop…
You all remember Brendan. Kiwi dive instructor who arrived just after I did and threw the three other girls here into complete and utter chaos. Life has changed quite a bit since the tension of dive drama has been relieved and staff numbers have been reduced. This very small resort on a very small island draped in isolation provided opportunities for Brendan and I to spend more time together as really, other than Mac, we are the only staff here. Few guests, little diving, a good chance to get to know each other. We’ve gotten along really well and a little while ago, he invited me to meet him down in Mozambique where he wants to be around the beginning of June. He plans to leave here this week, motorbike his way south until he hits a good dive town in the southern part of the country, find work in a dive shop for another few months, and have me be part of it all. *gulp* really? Umm…
So as I try to over-think, over-analyze, sabotage, and more or less find fault with this plan, I am having a hard time coming up with reasons not to go. I’m done with this place, have been for a while now, don’t have a job lined up, not sure what I want to do anyway, and am being presented with an opportunity to check out a new country, spend time with a really great guy, and who knows, maybe find that amazing new job in an amazing new place. It will take him about 6 weeks or so to get down to where he wants to go and I understand that A LOT can change in that period of time so I’ve left it at this… if, nearing the end of those 6 weeks, he still wants me to come down, he needs to get in touch with me and I’ll go. I’ve been trying to look into jobs possibilities online but hello? This is Africa. You don’t and you won’t find jobs online. I just have to go. Know for sure that I don’t want to work as a divemaster so will have to try to see what, if any, other opportunities there may be down that way if I get there. Won’t know if I don’t go, right? Right. At this point, if I go, I’ve got nothing to lose, if I stay here, there’s a good possibility that things will get very, very ugly.
Trying to think of some funnies to tell you all about but am sadly having a hard time coming up with any. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I simply haven’t been exposed to any new experiences. Day in and day out, it’s the same thing. New guest faces come and go but it’s the same blurry days with the same blurry staff who all seem to be drifting through their lives. I can see that I’ve fallen victim to this as well, which is why I know I need out. There’s really nothing of note to tell you about my “students”. Some are interested, others aren’t. Some are progressing, others aren’t. Some may remember me when I go, others won’t. Very little seems to impact most people here, it’s just too small and too far removed from absolutely everything other than what is right in front of the end of a nose. And this will continue and continue and continue. It will not change. I’m still waiting for that life changing experience where I fall in love with Africa and African people, where my heart is overwhelmed, my perspectives are shaken to the core, and I am a different human being for what I’ve seen and done… yeah, that’s not going to happen. Not here anyway. I’m hoping that maybe Mozambique will provide me with that opportunity I’ve been promised by so many people before I hopped that first plane over here. Apparently those experiences are out there, I’m just going to have to look a little further to find them. Fingers crossed…
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