Last one...

So very long since my last entry and I'm not sure where to start. It has been intense, emotional, chaotic, confusing and a bit of a mad house. I've had days where I ran around like a loon with the general day to day of this place, days of teaching where we celebrated successes big and small, and days where I had decided that enough is enough and I'm outta here. Writing now that time has passed will be a very different commentary than if I had written during the moment. I chose not to write over the last little while knowing that the feelings and frustrations would eventually pass and any words that I wrote under duress or during emotional turmoil would be bitter pills to swallow in days to come. Give it time, give it time, give it time. And so I have. Grab a drink, take a seat, and settle in. Here is the current state of affairs...

After much drama, the present population consists of Raf and Cisca (they returned from almost three weeks away), Mac, Brendan, Anya, and myself. Add two, minus three as you can see. I don't know what to say, how it all began, or how it all unraveled but in the process, many feelings were hurt, relationships were damaged, and there have been several unforeseeable changes in plans. It has been said throughout history and many times over these past few days... there are three sides to every story, your side, their side and the real one somewhere in the middle. I have tried very hard to stay somewhere in the middle. Most likely pissing off everyone in the process as it is when there is conflict. Frustratingly enough you are often expected to choose a side. It's usually not a direct "whose side are you on? (mind you, sometimes it is), but is more often a "what is your honest opinion?" Again, I did my best to offer a neutral opinion and steer middle of the road. What has taken place over the past couple of weeks does not involve me directly but when you're on a small island within this even smaller world, everything eventually affects everyone, doesn't it? Yes, it does indeed.

Hmmm... try to summarize...

Two relationships in the midst of two teachers and two students doing pretty tough courses... recipe for disaster really. And so it was.

There were daily battles of someone or two or three or four feeling that the other one or ones weren't doing their fair share of work, getting their fair share of teaching attention, that people were being treated unprofessionally or unfairly, that toes were getting stepped on, steps were being missed, romances were complicating issues, teaching opportunities were being delayed by health concerns or lack of preparation, feelings were getting hurt, this one didn't know what that one was doing, and on and on and on. Squabbles, melt downs, tears, temper tantrums, avoidance, denial, attempts to reconcile issues going awry and making matters worse... ***sigh*** Several times I made it pretty clear that junior high was long behind all of us and it needed to stay that way but a course had been set and on it went. Regular counselling sessions where again, I attempted to listen and offer some possible solutions to immediate concerns, but mostly I just listened. Listened to how frustrated this one was with that one, how hurt this one's feelings were because of that one's actions, how angry this one was or how done that one was or how exhausted this one was or how childish that one was... my heart broke for all of them and solutions were few and far between. Once the tensions were there, the path of least resistance was for them to escalate, naturally. Initially it appeared two against two, then three against one and it was this three against one that led to our current situation. All four chose to speak to me about various frustrations and I could agree with all four of them on several different points but I couldn't take sides. I could see one point of view more strongly in a certain situation but differently in another situation. There were some days where I did "take a side" by agreeing with a the way a current situation was handled but I couldn't act on it. Middle of the road, support everyone, stay out of it as best as I can. I am not the dive team but I liked these people, I like all of these people, I wasn’t part of their battles, but it was so hard not to be.

Mine, yours, and the reality. Some days I wanted to shake all four of them, some days I avoided all four of them, some days I wanted to hug all four of them and force them work it out so we could all just hang out and go back to the way it first was. But it wasn't my fight or my place to fix it. I could see them all getting more and more exhausted; worn down by the physical demands of the courses and the emotional drain of Swahili soap opera. So hard to watch and so sad to see hearts getting hurt and feelings being trampled. How on earth do we make this okay? It had gotten far beyond that point very, very quickly.

Mac and I chatted often about the regular state of affairs - he now being my saving grace and last shred of sanity. (and no, there is no jiggy jiggy going on) There were days where he wanted to sack all of them and days where he thought it was best to let them work it out amongst themselves. He made guided them and reminded them that they had a job to do, divers were to be diving and the show was to be running. They had to work it out. There are a million different things to do around this place on a daily basis, dealing with staff conflicts every day is not an option. We often shook our heads together and did what we could to remain neutral but supportive. Open but non-judgemental. Whether or not this was the best way to address it is not my call to make. There have been conversations that have followed the last few days' chain of events that have swayed to the contrary - that staff issues should be dealt with swiftly and firmly. Hindsight always rings clear as a bell, doesn't it? We did the best we could and sadly, it maybe wasn't enough.

R & C returned, refreshed, renewed, and full of vision for their destination resort of Pemba. Greeting them upon their return is the brewing cyclone of dive team devastation. In the span of two quick days that involved some decisions made in haste, conversations had in more haste, time to think and rethink, negotiations and renegotiations, and finally a decision that some agree with and some don't. Maxine and Bertha no longer work for Swahili Divers and Rachel's time here was wrapping up as she was moving on to spend the last week of her year long trip elsewhere. Raf acknowledges that Maxine is a superb instructor with excellent skills. He encouraged her to take a brief holiday then consider signing a contract with him for two years wherein he would groom her to be a dive resort manager. She is 21 and years beyond in her ability and her maturity in this nature. The condition to this offer being, however, that Bertha was not to be part of the deal. Raf, I believe, feels that at this point, B. is not well enough to complete the courses she attempted and there has been some conflict that cannot be remedied hence making it too uncomfortable to have all of them here together. So, an ultimatum was put forth,,, career or relationship. I don't know many who, at 21, would not choose their relationship. Max gave her notice. There were some feelings hurt as at some point, Max was to come back and serve out her two weeks notice on her own, (which she wanted to do as it would give her time to put some closure into place) but on reconsideration, it was decided that plane tickets and finances would make this too difficult so Max and B were to pack up their belongings and be on a plane in two days. This cut both of the girls deeply. Anger quickly faded to heart break. I had nothing left to say except that I would miss them terribly.

As for Rachel, she had mentioned a while ago that she had wanted to leave on the 17th or 18th. Although Rachel was smack in the middle of the happenings here on the grounds, Rachel was not involved in the conversations or decisions with Raf because she was due to leave and had no stake in being employed by the resort. Quickly after the decision was made for Max and B, Raf booked a plane ticket off the island for Rachel having nothing to do with the drama, but because it was near the time that she had originally requested to leave. Timing wise, because Raf was moving through his checklist of things to do, and because he didn’t talk to her before booking the ticket, Rachel felt that her very last minute ticket (advised on one day that she had a ticket arranged for the next day) was directly related to the conflicts within the dive centre. She had sweet little time to not only pack up her things but pack up her heart and say her goodbyes to a place that she had settled into, much the same as Max and B, before she was bound for her next destination. All three girls left on the same day, Max and B in the morning, Rachel in the afternoon. My neighbours, my girls, were gone.

I have many mixed feelings about it all. I’ve had conversations with all that were involved and have been asked my opinion about the decisions that were made. I shared my concerns with Raf, gave him pieces of information that I felt he was missing and told him that I have no opinions on the decisions that he made because I can’t possibly put myself in his shoes with having a business to run and knowing what he wants for his resort. I think he heard what I had to say as he appeared quite reflective knowing that people got hurt in the process and that difficult decisions were made quickly. Again, he has been in Africa for 10 years, recognizes that he can often be reactive and make decisions in haste, but because he has been there, done that, he shared that he often knows what’s coming before most can even see it. No comment. We have different approaches to dealing with people because we are coming from completely different places. End of this tale being, regardless of rights or wrongs, the owners made decisions to get the business back on track and eliminate tensions, the girls are gone, the business carries on, and I do miss my kayaking, swimming, chatting, shouting over the walls, please come kill this spider, tell me another story company. I really do.

While there is more to say and many more things to comment on, sadly this blog is to be discontinued. I have come to realize that I am simply reporting events instead of sharing my experiences with the naturally accompanying, in the moment emotions and that isn’t what this was intended to be. The public nature of this blog has forced me to curb content and neutralize opinions so not the best use of my creative time. If any of you have made it to the end of these ramblings and remain curious or interested in hearing more, send me a note and I’ll direct future writings, and there are future writings, as msgs to your facebook or email accounts, as I did on my last journey. Thank you to all of you who have been supportive of me through good days and bad, who have recognized that this was intended to be a personal account of my attempt to adjust to a new environment and new people, for remembering that I am human, that not everything I gripe about is a problem that needs to be resolved, and that sometimes, yes, sometimes, we just all need to vent. Thank you to those of you who stood back and let me vent so that I could find my own perspective again. Here’s to guarding my thoughts a little more carefully…

Love you.
Jan